Finland Finland Finland A Country Where I Quite Want to Be

This is the most accurate and recent mockumentary of Finland, ever.

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Finland is not that great in heritage landmarks, but the scenery is certainly great. This is a very dear scenery to me, personally, because it is a view from my mother’s apartment. This is the great suburb of Malmi in Helsinki.

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This photo is also from my mother’s apartment, in Helsinki, the Gay friendly capital of the only AAA nation of the world. Finland is a great dog country. Finns love their dogs so much that whoever is disrespecting my dog, will be ”taken behind the sauna” or ”hung from their genitals from a flag pole” which very much explains why dogs are often a Finn’s only friends.

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Architecture is one of the strong points in Finland. This fine example of timeless architectural landmarks is from the very fine suburb of Olari, from Espoo.

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Innovation – one of the great assets in Finland’s portfolio, epitomized by such brands as Microsoft (formerly Nokia) or Danske Bank (formerly Postipankki) or Stora-Svetogorsk (formerly Enso). Take this fine Children’s Playground on the national Highway #1 from Helsinki to Turku. The fence is terrific in keeping the paedophiles away.

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Tourism is one of the biggest industries in the world, and Finland is no exception. With superb tourism infrastructure, any tourist may immediately find the superb attractions in the very finest of destinations, such as Piikkiö.

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With the only AAA rating in the world, it is no surprise that democracy is blossoming in Finland. This very fine wax figure installation in Turku, the cradle of Finnish culture, reminds any Finn, that not voting leads very quickly to a long prison sentence.

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Who does not know the Finnish sauna. The famous Sauna Society in Helsinki has this attractive decoration at its main entrance, reminding every visitor why Helsinki was chosen the Design Capital of the World in 2012.

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Turku is, no doubt, the most European of all Finnish great cities. As is customary in Europe, the central square in Turku, is full of gourmet restaurants where a discerning tourist may dine al fresco at the finest establishments. This photo shows three of the best ones, Tori Burger, a very popular Kallun Grilli Burgers as well as Turku’s very own Hesburger, so far the most popular of Finnish gourmet exports. A Finnish Burger is a bit like a hamburger.

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To honour the Paralympics in Russia, we may also add this very beautiful photo from Turku, showing how much Finland really cares about the invalides. While the ordinary people are attending the Mass in the Turku Cathedral, the invalides are given a great chance to enjoy the exquisite architecture of this Medieval Church from outside.

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Social security is the Pride of Finland. No one is left outside and anyone can found a reasonable place to sleep, such as this man here who is perfectly happy living inside the Cathedral of Turku.

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Almost all statues that actually have a head, two hands and two legs, are raised to honor some foreign dignitary, such as tsar (czar) Alexander II in Helsinki, or this guy, Per Brahe, who was a Swedish Count centuries ago. This statue is just outside the Cathedral of Turku, the very central edifice of the former capital of Finland. Finns prefer being ruled by authoritarian foreigners so much that all directives from the EU are treated as dictates or laws while all other European countries just don’t give a shit.

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Finnish is one of the easiest languages to read out loud as all letters are pronounced exactly as written, so give this one a try. And after studying Finnish for some time, you may admit that ”työntäyteinen työpäivä täytyy myöntää” – it’s been a busy day. Please note the fine architecture.

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Authorities just want to control, don’t they. After some 7 to 10 days your phone rings, and someone tells you that a crime has been committed. A week ago you drove differently. Yes, I did, came home safe and sound and everything is fine. No, a crime has been done and you are a criminal, do you plead guilty? They also send a letter stating that two crimes have been done, and after the 3rd one, you lose your driving licence and no longer are allowed to drive in your country. In fact, Mr Ollila, associated with the now defunct Nokia mobile phone company, has pushed for nationwide automobile surveillance system, that would make every car owner forced to purchase a Nokia built surveillance kit, so that the authorities will know 24/7 where you are, how fast you drive and, and this is not a joke, to pay for every kilometer you proceed. But, because Finland has the most free press in the world and least corruption in the world, the media will certainly point out that this would simply be corruption, and the surveillance kit would not be implemented. Right? Right? … Yeah, right.

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The authorities. Next to God, right? They just want to be sure that no-one even dreams of disobeying the rules, even in the middle of nowhere.

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Kylmäkoski is a very fine place, very well known for its prison. I used to visit it often because my cousins lived there. It was earlier a municipality of its own right, but once it was annexed into another municipality, the authorities promised that all services will remain. Sure, all shops and services are gone, but the good news is that real estate is really really cheap now. And even better, one of the former shops is now a cute little ”living room of the entire village”. So sweet, isn’t it.

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Finnish cuisine is worth a try. Some of the highlights include pizza and kebab. Some people believe that kebab is Turkish, but, as almost every Finn will tell, it is practically the only Finnish meal that exists. The other one is pizza, which is similar to the Italian pizza, but has pineapple.

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Keuruu is very important to me, I went to army in Keuruu. The very fine military base in Keuruu is being closed because everyone knows that Russia would NEVER attack or occupy another country or annex any peninsula or area of another country, Right? To make sure that peace will prevail, Finland is destroying its weapons, such as land mines, that kill millions of innocent children in Finland’s forests every year, and close all military bases. In fact, Finland is doing pretty good business by selling land or real estate inside or near military areas, to Russians, who simply need summer cottages because Russia has not enough Lebensraum within its own borders.

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The most beautiful houses are usually the oldest ones. This centuries old wooden church in Petäjävesi is listed in the Unesco list of World Heritage. I wish they would build something today to become worth listing. Most of the buildings built in Finland since the 1970s are ready for demolition or at least a costly renovation.

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Jyväskylä is very important to me because my grand mother used to live here. Jyväskylä is often referred to as ”Athens of Finland”. The attractive town planning and architecture is complemented by terrific weather conditions. Note that Hong Kong is not selling expensive jewellery, designer clothes nor Ferrari cars, like they sell in Special Administrative Region Hong Kong, China, but cheap and crappy stuff from Third World sweat shops.

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Lievestuore is very famous in Finland for a disastrous eco catastrophe from a local factory. It was made famous by a popular pop song Lievestuoreen Liisa, by Antti Hammarberg, a.k.a Irwin Goodman. Today, tourists can visit more lively attractions, such as this very fine Animal Park where kids can watch animals in cages.

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Mikkeli which rhymes with kikkeli (penis), is famous for its status as hiding place of Field Marshall Carl Gustav Mannerheim, during WWII. One half of Finns appreciate Mr Mannerheim as the most popular Finn, while the other half calls him the ”butcher”. To appreciate tourists, Mikkeli can offer local specialities such as Burger or Pepsi, which you should order ”piripintaan”, to commemorate the famous drinking habit of Mr Mannerheim who always drank his Pepsi from a full glass.

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Welcome to Stalin’s border, a new border line that Stalin drew with a shaking hand in 1940, when he was Hitler’s boy friend. A symbolic ”Hand of Stalin”, with a raised middle finger, welcomes tourists and travellers to the border zone, which is forbidden area. To annoy Mr Putin, the hand is painted pink.

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Finland is a very polite country. This traffic sign encourages drivers to use weaker head lights near the border, and why? To understand, you have to understand national communism. In the old days, national communism was an Eastern versionof (German) national socialism. In national communism, it was the Slavic race that was superior race, Lebensraum was expanded to Finland and Finns were the inferior race. This means that Finnish people are not allowed to criticize the superior race nor to disturb the life of the superior race. Thus, if a car would drive with strong head lights, a Russian person might feel uncomfortable and would be forced to attack Finland with full force and to annex more territory to the superior race.

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This is the current border seen from the road, some 50 metres away. In fact, this is not the real border. This is a temporary border drawn by Josif ”I killed more people than Hitler and no-one fucking cares” Stalin, after starting an illegal war against Finland, after the illegal Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact, which Stalin hosted for his Nazi buddies on 23 August 1939.

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Finland is cool. As Stalin drew his border line to cut half counties, municipalities, villages and even private estates, Finland had to relocate almost 500,000 refugees. But life continues even today as if there was no Russia. I wish. This farm house is inside the very narrow border zone, and it may well be that the owners can easily go and pee inside Russia’s occupied territory.

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Parikkala is my home and this fine house is for sale. When I made a mistake and got married, I booked this house for our wedding party. Soon after, it went broke and has been for sale ever since. After all, who would enter a commercial establishment unless it is box-shaped? The restaurant that served traditional Karelian food in this house, relocated inside the new S-Market, which is your typical box-like structure in Parikkala’s center.

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This photo reveals why Finland is always the only AAA Rating country in the Universe, why Finland is the best Pisa country of the world, why Finland saves the World, why Finland has zero corruption and the best Press Freedom in the world. The Answer: Finland has quite a different monetary system. It is called biljardi, an enormously big sum of money. The Finns who earn biljardi are professional snooker players and some younger journalists who are the best. Number One. They make biljardi in a nick of time.

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Finland is one of the biggest franchises of America, but the EU writes the laws. That’s why America is pushing for the Free Trade agreement which would allow the American mega corporations to write all laws like they already do in America. Currently, Russia occupies only 12% of Finland’s legitimate territory, but, hey, aren’t they so busy with Ukraine!

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The National Board of Antiquities which jealously guards all fine architecture in Helsinki, the Daughter of the Baltic, like this award winning Railway Station, makes sure that only the finest gourmet restaurants may occupy this building.

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Helsinki, the Daughter of the Baltic, has the best employment figures in Finland because they rebuild all these streets every single year.

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Need to kill someone? Wanna cause severe injuries on somebody you don’t like? Go and visit the famous Market Square where all kinds of puukko knives are available for your special needs.

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Helsinki used to have a severe housing shortage until they started to turn containers into human dwellings. Especially immigrant workers have been suitable for these living conditions. These housing estates are the Finnish version of what Americans call Mobile Homes, but Finland would not be the most competitive AAA economy if the containers were not piled vertically.

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As I wrote earlier, erected statues that have a head, two hands and two legs, are for foreign dignitaries. Other statues erected are reserved to honor the Finns. This very fine and artistic piece of Art honors the ”women at war” which contains a bit of a hint, typical to the Finnish humorous character. It clearly symbolises an enormous penis is full erection. The Finns!

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Modern Art is really big in Helsinki, the Daughter of the Baltic. First, they opened Kiasma. Some people go to see modern art inside this artistically famous edifice, but most go the see the building itself. It’s kind of a symbol of modern art as such, kind of a subtle hint that even an industrial warehouse facade could hide some art behind its artistic wall. But that’s not all. Excited about the great success of Kiasma, the architectural masterpiece, Helsinki’s innovative and intelligent authorities are planning to introduce Guggenheim, yes, The Guggenheim itself, into the Daughter of the Baltic. After all, when you don’t have a culture, you can always buy it from abroad.

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Helsingin Sanomat is the only newspaper in Helsinki, the Daughter of the Baltic. In fact, only Singapore and Helsinki have just one daily newspaper. But who cares, as Finland is leading in the Press Freedom. They can freely promote the government and badmouth the opposition, and nobody gives a shit. Helsingin Sanomat has a unique editorial policy. Anything Finnish is basically crap, all Finns are racists and anything non-Finnish is wonderful. No wonder, the monopoly newspaper is in financial trouble. It used to own the monopoly in free newspapers (Metro), movie distribution (Finnkino), convenience stores (R-kioski) and local book stores (Suomalainen Kirjakauppa). Recently, it sold all these to foreign investors, well, basically Jews, and just last week it sold even its headquarters. After all, who wants to own anything, if you can make a profit?

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Another statue which makes no sense whatsoever, this one was erected to commemorate Finland’s war-time president Risto Ryti, whom Finns voted the 2nd greatest Finn of all times (Mannerheim was the 1st). You don’t have to be Sigmund Freud but this is clearly a doggy style sex scene, pardon my French. And by the way, did I mention that Helsinki is Daughter of the Baltic.

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27 kommenttia

Kategoria(t): Uncategorized

27 responses to “Finland Finland Finland A Country Where I Quite Want to Be

  1. Pedro

    Entertaining article and all, but all people are valid, even the disabled ones…

    • Satire is the genre of this article. This article is a parody of many things.

      In reality, the two people are not even disabled, they are old people with wheels. But the view from the church stairs was kind of funny, knowing how much Finland really does to improve mobility for disabled people. You cannot enter the church through the main entrance unless you can walk. That’s the story.

  2. Yes. The whole story was about disabled people in Finland..

  3. Mikko

    Very funny! It would be perfect without that one reference to ’Jews’. Are you Borat’s brother? It’s a bit Germany 1938, that stuff. Come on.

    • I know, but it sounded just perfect for this genre. You know, Russians took our land, EU writes the laws, everyone eats burgers and the Jews buy up everything.

      I do not even know how many of former Sanoma’s crown jewels were bought by the Jews, but one of them is WSOY publishing company that was bought by Bonnier, which is a Jewish family in Sweden.

  4. Hiidenlintu

    We also have a thing called as elementary school which teaches Finnish people to speak and write so called Rally English represented rather well in here.

  5. Keem

    I think you should have included the Lenin statue of Kotka here (or the smaller one in Turku at least).

  6. Chris Kuisma

    I loved it, so funny, until I came to the jew part…not cool, not cool at all.

    • So what are you saying? There are no Jews or there should be no Jews?

      • La Rose

        Great answer to the yakati-yak -people always worried about that old people, that indeed is a special one (as they say themselves, too).

  7. marja

    solid sense of humour, excellent

  8. mbr

    How nice, first picture is where I walk my dog, I live in the same complex of new apartments that has been recently built in Malmi. I’m a rebel and I walk him without a leash, even if I get angry faces from bored finns.

  9. Theo

    Pretty ironic stance for a country that is actually quite ok in most of the above mentioned fields.You do have the right to speak freely about almost anything in Finland,it does have good restaurants(only a bit expensive),it does look after people with immobility problems and by the way,it is neutrality that saved finlands ass all these years,no matter how much you would love a Finnish army march up to Moscow.Its always tempting to complain about everything,especially if you re bored,but if the writer really believes the above then i d suggest some travelling.Comparison is the best way to finally cherish what we have and maybe others dont.

    • Basically travel is my business. I travel all the time.

    • You cannot speak freely about Stalin, Russia, immigration or Holocaust in Finland, or Europe, generally. I have been censored many times for stating facts. Currently, I am blocked by one of the online news sites, not because of what I say or think but because I exist. We have one guy who served over 2 years in a prison for writing ”Russian” (ie ryssä) and joking at the expense of a ”high level authority” which implies that there are also ”low level” people in Finland. You should really know Finland to understand what’s going on.

      Restaurants, sure, but if you leave Helsinki, what else do you see: pizza, kebab and burger. Most countries I have seen, and I have seen almost 90 countries, have one or several national dishes, or even a national cuisine. One of my friends tells, seriously, that pizza and kebab are Finnish food.

      Our only food export is a 100% copy of an American hamburger restaurant. The only ”Karjala” themed restaurant in the world was founded by an Iraqi kurd in Riga, Latvia. He’s been living in Finland for a few decades.

      • Theo

        Could be so,but nevertheless freedom of speech in Finland compared to other EU countries (not even to mention other continents) is way above average.As to the food,we live in a free market economy man.Of course there are some good restaurants but the majority is kebab and pizza,its cheap and fast and like it or not that is what people eat almost everywhere in the western world,not only in Finland.You find similar situation everywhere,just name the country:Germany,England even Paris or Italy.
        Now i ll give you some points as to the fact that Suomi is the most and fastest Americanized country in Europe.But to brake it down simply,the Finns really don’t have much to complain about.They are lucky enough to live in a prosperous and stable environment that in most cases provides equality and no discrimination on the basis of sex’s,sexual orientation,ethnic origin or religious belief and has an outstanding system of social welfare.If i were a Finn i d be proud about that stuff.So should you.

  10. La Rose

    By the way, föresten, as the Swedish say, there’s another newspaper in Helsinki, namely ”Huvudstadsbladet” (Capital’s Daily). It trully is an anti-thesis to its competitor – providing totally different views to Finland and the wolrd. Read and believe.

    P.S. Did I mention the paper is in Swedish.

  11. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE

    Everything about this article makes me rock hard, comrade.

  12. Namiskukkeli

    Haha, love it :-> So much true yet..
    wait
    so
    much
    true!

  13. Jeppe112

    Mildly entertaining, and has some valid critique. Still, I rather liked a lot of those pictures (not Helsinki, though), and I’m still proud of our beautiful country. So should you.

    The article is way stretched, and even though written in good English, probably can’t hold interest of anyone outside Finland. Well, I guess you wrote it for Finns (troll Finns?) anyway :P.

  14. Jeppe112

    …Like cherry picking for bad apples, and if this is the worst you can come up with, then I’m all the more glad I’m a Finn 😀

  15. Ripe

    Absolutely loved it! I’m sharing this to my foreign friends so they can get as excited about Finland as I am! Although, having read the comments it seems some people just can’t appreciate the celebration of Finland in all its glory in this article. I beg the author to leave them be, don’t even bother replying as it is absolutely pointless to convince an idiot that they are in fact, idiots.

  16. Some people wrote to me saying that I should mention the word ”Jews”. Well, it was something like a joke, as demonstrated by my wording ”well, basically”.

    I got some further information via Wikipedia, though. The market leader in Finnish shopping centers is Citycon Oyj, which is 49,7% owned by Israeli company Gazit-Globe. Gazit Globe actually controls Citycon Oyj, so Gazit Globe actually runs much of Finland’s retail business.

    Here’s the listing of all shopping centers run, well, basically the Jews:

    http://fi.wikipedia.org/wiki/Citycon

  17. Mefo-bill

    I give credits for using rights words about jewish influence. ”Jews” is very neutral expression unlike for instance ”Kikes” would be.

    ..but still there was the ”Nazi” word, that is actually just used by the enemies.

    Like this blogist, Wayne, says: ”The term “Nazi” and all of its sinister connotations is a further insult to those who are no longer here to defend themselves, their ideology and actions. It is a term coined by the enemies of National Socialism as a pejorative slur. They called themselves the “NSDAP” and that is term I shall use. Anyone posting comments is asked to respect this as well.”

    http://justice4germans.com/about/

    As a response to someone who said we live in ”free market economy”. It’s not that free actually. The greatests investors who dictate the common developmet initiatives are in the hands of few. ..and ”f” can be replace by ”j” as well and the fact remains. That elite has messianic agenda of their own that won’t serve the interests of majority, anywhere in the world. Funny how many poeple seem to even be on their side by glorifying the greed, ”look how smart people they are, don’t blame them for your own misery. Critics are just anti-semitic haters”.

    For any finnish readers, one example how economy could be runned by ourselves: http://idiotiantyranniasta.wordpress.com/2013/07/20/jotain-yleista-saksan-talousihmeesta-mefo-vekselit-ym-1933-45/

  18. Hey! Nice post!

    Like you, I just started a blog about issues in Finland, and I was wondering if some of you guys would check it out and leave some comments on my blog. So would you please visit http://finlandforum.wordpress.com/?

    Thanks a bunch! 😀

  19. Kosher

    Finland Welfare State?

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